Day 4: How you think your life would change if you achieved your dream

I think that my life would change in many, drastic ways. I think thing for one, would be a lot less complicated with the way of living. Because my dream is to be happy and doing what I love, I want to help people (troubled kids especially), and as long as I’m helping people and making a difference, then I would consider my dream as being achieved. I also think that things would be a lot calmer, and more settled in my life and with the people in it such as my boyfriend, family, etc. Things would be more stable and secure, and I wouldn’t have to worry about things so much sometimes. I’d be happy and I’d just go with the flow of things if I achieved my dream.

(I know, I’m a day late. oh well.)

Day 3: What do you think your reason for being here is?

Honestly, I believe that I’m here for many reasons. I may not know all of those reasons just quite yet, but that’s okay because I’m still quite young. I’m only nineteen, so I haven’t really had the time to go out and try to figure out what my purpose is. I do believe however, that one of my purposes is that because I have such a big heart that it contributes to my passion and undying dream to help people, troubled kids especially, which is what I’m going to school for. I believe that all kids need someone to support and love them, and just be there for them to help them get back on / stay n the right path in life. If they had more people to go to like that, then I think there’d be less troubled kids or keep them from getting into worse trouble. I also believe that I have a purpose to help people in general, I hate seeing people in unfortunate situations. Another purpose is that I’m here to be a daughter, friend, sister, granddaughter, and someone’s soul mate (mushy but simple purpose, I know). As for my other (true) purpose/s, I guess I’ll find out when that time comes, eh? (:

.. and getting better than they were. so glad I have my boyfriend back, <3

my life without him? yeah, it just wouldn’t be the same.

I wish I knew what changed, and what went wrong.

^ I wish I could go back and fix everything before it got this bad. because honestly? for the first time in a long time, I want to pick up that blade and make new scars because that’s how low of a place i’m in right now.

i just want to crawl into a hole, a deeeeeeep hole, and sleep for the rest of my pathetic, worthless life.

that girl who everyone thinks they know. the girl that is “smart” which makes her better than everyone else. the girl who isn’t popular, but is a bitch and stuck up. the girl who is too skinny so she gets labeled as “anorexic” or “bulimic”. the girl who is considered fat for her size, and gets called names. slut. whore. skank. piece of shit. fatass. dumbass. fucking retard. the girl who rumors spread about like wildfire. the girl who holds her head up high, but no one realizes how much of a struggle it is. the girl who feels like the weight of the world is on her shoulders, and the pressure of society is weighing her down. the girl who has to force herself to get out of bed each and every day just to go to school. to continue with everyday life like nothing is wrong. she’s that girl that everyone thinks is full of bullshit and lies. the girl everyone thinks is fake. she’s that girl that no one knows how broken her family life has been since she was a little girl, and that it still affects her today. the girl who can’t decide whether or not to eat each day because she doesn’t want to be “skinny” or “fat”. the girl who has hidden scars on her wrists, legs, and sides. the girl who gets fucked up not to feel anything. even if it’s on her own medication. the girl who overthinks and takes words seriously. the girl who says things she doesn’t mean out of anger, pain, and spite because she doesn’t know how else to react. the girl who tries to get that one person she wants to understand, but they won’t. they gave up on her, and just continue to add to the bullshit. the names, the remarks, the lies. it eats her alive. but she stays because she thinks that one day they’ll understand. she stays because she loves that person, and tries not to listen to the other people, but him. if he loves her, then the things he says he must mean and they must be true right? the girl who tears apart her self esteem, what little she has left, because she thinks it’ll make a difference. but it never does. she gets her hopes up and gets let down. time after time after time. it’s a never ending cycle, yet she still tries. tries to be the girl they all want her to be. the girl that thinks this life just isn’t for her anymore.

yeah, that girl is me.

*note that i’m writing this because I have a lot on my mind tonight, and this has been one of things. it should further explain itself.

Jon;
Honestly, there is so much I could say to you. Things that I’ve wanted to say to you for SO long, but I never did because I never knew how. I’m finally at that point in my life where I don’t long for our friendship anymore. I know that we dated and we really had feelings for each other at the time, but honestly.. we weren’t good together. We were better as friends. Sadly though, we’re not really friends anymore. That was proved when you went away to Basic training for the Marines, a few months before Alex and I got back together.

You being home these past two weeks and leaving Sunday to go back to Hawaii before Japan for the next two years, made me realize how much more you have going for you without me in your life. When I was in your life, you were still struggling to find your purpose in life, and battling with some extreme drug problems. When you moved, and when contact stopped things got better for you. You cleaned up your act, graduated high school, and joined the Marines. You couldn’t of done that if you would of stayed here to be with me. And even though at the time I wanted nothing more than for you to stay here, to be with me.. I’ve come to accept your decision.

Seeing you your first night back, I realized how proud of you I am deep down inside. I’m so proud of how far you came from when I met / dated you and you wound up in the hospital because you overdosed on drugs to being where you are at now. You have a lot going for you Jon, you really do. You can do anything you set your mind too, and I’m so glad you found that thing that helped you achieve that. You made some of the hardest decisions ever, but in the end it proved worth it. And for that, I believe your better off without me in your life.

I guess I just wanted to say that I’m proud of you, and I hope you realize that you really have affected my life in someway. But I also hope you realize that this is finally the last goodbye between us, I’ll be seeing you. And kick some Marine ass, (:

Love,
your “lovebucket” as you used to call me. <3

^^ this is me finally letting go of a part of my past; a part that needed to be let go for things between me and alex to get better, as well as my relationship with myself.

& I already have so much fucking homework. -_-

I hate my life so fucking much. today was the shittiest day, in so many aspects. just as I woke up knowing it was going to be. fuuckkkk.

is really hitting me right now / tonight.
everything going on lately, on top of the shooting tonight? has opened my eyes to reality. i mean, i’ve always had a decent grip on reality, but this was different. and it feels so weird. so strange. i’m growing up so fast, and it’s hard to believe that i’ll be 20 in ten months. that seems like a long time away, but you know how fast the past two months flew by since i turned 19? i finished my first semester of college, and it seems like just yesterday was graduation. i’m accumulating my first bills. i probably just got my first job. i’m engaged after two years. everything is finally starting to feel real, honestly.

and the school shooting. they were so young. they were fragile, vulnerable, and innocent. they didn’t deserve that, at all. they had their entire lives ahead of them. they barely had a taste of the world at all. such precious souls, taken far too young. that’s even more reason that i want to help people, and i’m going into a career field where i can do just that. i have such a big, caring heart and reality is allowing me to use that to better myself.

i’m extremely thankful today for the fact that i tell my mom i love her every time her or i go somewhere, i get off the phone with her, and before i go to bed at night. i can’t even begin to imagine being in her shoes and just thinking about what if one day i didn’t come home from school or work. ♥

life is fragile, and i realize that. i understand that. i’m going to make sure that the life i was given is used to the fullest, and my entire potential and then some is reached. who knows when it can all be taken away? things happen in the blink of an eye, don’t take anything or anyone for granted, ♥

i really am starting to grow up.

i haven’t been on in like what, a week?

but i also haven’t been sober in almost 2 weeks, haha. :P

ohhh, shit. i’m loving life right now.

& i just don’t know how to handle it. i can’t do this on my own, :(

So. i just logged onto my college account email thing (whatever the hell it is), and got my finalized schedule for the fall. why i did this at 1:30 am, idk. but i’m excited to have everything finalized, :)

Mondays:
- Reading Comprehension; 3:30 - 4:45.
- Intro Algebra; 6:30 - 9:15.

Tuesdays:
- Public Speaking; 5:00 - 6:15.

Wednesdays:
- Reading Comprehension; 3:30 - 4:45.

Thursdays:
- Foundation Seminar; 4:00 - 4:50.
- Public Speaking; 5:00 - 6:15.
- Art Appreciation; 6:30 - 9:15.

i have mornings AND fridays off. how much better could this get? xD i’m pretty excited, and i can’t wait for August 15th to get here. i’m ready to start this part of my life now that i’m done with the hell of a high school i went to. xD

…. it’s been a while since i’ve been on tumblr, a couple weeks? bleh, i feel like senior year is completely draining me with stress & exhaustion. plus, i hit a really low, rocky patch in life about 2 weeks ago or so. it was really bad, lol. buut i’m back now, :)

… in all honesty, life totally sucks for me right now. i’m so stressed the fuck out, all i want to do is start cutting again. i want to smoke pot, to take my mind off of everything. i don’t fucking know. i’m tired of being this fucking stressed out. i want my boyfriend out of jail, so i’m not stressed this bad. so i’m not crying myself to sleep every night, and staying up for hours, only getting one or two hours of sleep when i do fall asleep. i want to be able to eat, and go on with a normal day. i miss the fuck out of him. i’m scared of losing him, if i don’t get out of there soon, and there’s legit reason for it.. i just wish i had someway to get the money to get him out of there, :( i don’t fucking know anymore. i’m literally on the verge of an emotional breakdown.